No fate but what we make

"Too many options may kill a man." - Damien Rice

 

The first time I decided I want to be a grown up was when I was 15. I gathered in my arms whatever responsibility I could find at such young age. The "big" decision I had to make back then was which stream to head on to in Form 4. I bet none of you spent hours pondering about whether to end up in the Science stream or the Commerce/Art stream. Because in this side of the world, the Science stream is the smart one. If you are able to get yourself up in those four Pure Science classes, you are literally God. So why bother contemplating about it? Call me silly but I did. I spent some time of my life thinking if I should register for the Science stream. I weighed out what I had in my hands then: mediocre grades, overwhelming school band, no future whatsoever after high school in the Science stream. My PMR grades could have gotten me into a decent class in the Science stream. The fourth and last Pure Science class if I wish hard enough. Instead, some may say I took the easy way out and went for the Commerce stream. Not Pure Commerce in fact. An IT Commerce class right smacked at the fourth arrangement.

So maybe I did take the easy way out. But I saw myself not being able to handle the pressure at the Science stream. I have heard testimonials of pressured seniors and I knew it would be suicidal. I chose what I chose and my high school life floated in an easy breeze compared to the others burdened in the Science classes. I worried only of Additional Mathematics (The teachers switched too often and I skipped too many classes), Economics (God knows I can never ever memorise jackshit from this subject) and IT (The teacher hates me, period). My SPM grades were fair enough and I was a happy camper.

That was probably the best and last choice I have made in my life.

There were scattered decisions to make mostly when I was in Form 5. I was (as mentioned) the Woodwinds Senior Leader in the school band and the Vice President in the graduates magazine committee. I knew I should not have attended the first annual meeting. I knew my friends would be there to put me on the plate. What was I thinking? Time crawled through sticky caramel this year. I had to juggle both responsibilities good but everyone knew I put the school band first hand. Besides, the President was more than willing to hug everything to her bosom and work things out herself. I had to brainstorm for ways to better my section with my partner, ready myself for parental disagreements as well as resignations from members. Because not everyone is as dedicated and passionate as me and I had to think of better ways to impress them. Fuckers. In the later society, I had to pry the President's fingers off the tasks and distribute them fairly to the supposed positions. It has come to be that the Vice President's job is to take care of the President's wellbeing, be it good or bad. On one not so special day, I found myself sitting under the table with her and the Secretary telling her off while she was crying her eyes out and others trying hard not to peek to see what was going on. It was a helluva year. Nonetheless, I grew up a lot. I learned a lot. I left high school feeling achieved and satisfied at least. I could live to tell everyone yes, I learned something in high school and it was not a total waste.

I was 17 as I continued wanting to be a grown up. My parents wanted me to get into the Sixth Form and eventually set foot into a decent local University. I wanted to get as far away from high school as possible - as much as I enjoyed my stay in high school, I would not, under any circumstance, head back in there when I have a ticket going the other way - and get into college. To me, college was cool in some really lameass way. I had to negotiate with my parents and meet them halfway there because they were the ones paying for my education. I had a choice of studying HSC in Inti College. However, I thought I had made up my mind to be a writer and my only way to not waste anymore time was to get into a college offering Journalism. I signed up for Han Chiang College.

I was never a happy student in the college. I can say it was probably the longest two years of my life. The admin tricked us and I was halfway done only to realise I have stepped on the wrong train. Damn. After such revelation hit me, it was a harder drag finishing college with perfect grades I was trying so hard to maintain. Alongside some crappy lecturers I wanted to strangle. I wanted to get out of the country so badly I failed to see what was right in front of my eyes.

Maybe it was not a good choice I have made. But there were circumstances I had to complement. I was nearing the end of my final semester when the tiredness of pretentious adulthood started to seep in.

I was 19 when I needed to decide on which University to go to. Indecisions started to grab me by the ankles henceforth because this is what exhaustion can do to you. I found myself widening my options until I had an unnecessary headache when really, QUT has always been the choice and is the only choice. It was a waste of time killing what is left of my intelligence just like that. But this has come to be me. I fear to miss out. I fear to let go. I fear to make bad choices. After what has happened in college, I fear I will end up in the wrong dead end. Again. I have become of such perfectionist, an obsessive compulsive, it sometimes does me more harm than good.

I was at my fresh age of 20 when I decided I do not want to be a grown up anymore. I was on the verge of finding a job after my college graduation. I had plenty of time to waste. Six months to be exact. I stood in between working in Dell and GSC. Call me crazy but I had an urge to go for the latter. Despite the vague and various work positions as well as the crappy wages. Maybe it was not because I settle easily for simplicity, for an easy satisfaction in life. Maybe it was a denial. What happened in the beginning of that year killed half of me and I could never see myself ready to be an adult for the first time clearly. You see, I was pulled into the working world via an internship in the most awesomest newspaper corporation Malaysia can own. Maybe I did not emotionally prepare myself because upon submission for the internship I was more focused on my assignments at hand rather than weighing the pros and cons. It did not sit in my head well enough that I would be working until I was sitting myself in the empty office of nobodies. I fucked myself twice over for the entire January and finally called it quits come February. Right then, wearing professional working clothes and calling myself a yuppie is not my ultimate dream anymore. I tainted my miniscule reputation in the Journalism world. I dishonoured my college's reputation in that company. You should fucking be there to see how desperate they were to make me stay in my internship. It was so pathetic it was not even funny back then. Because I was bawling my eyes out, of course it was not funny.

So maybe that was why I feared to choose Dell. However, after much coaxing from my dad and sister, after really making sure that I have sat in my own head about this long enough, telling myself yes you are going to work now, I decided to give this another shot. It will forever remain a mystery as to why I threw up on the supposed first day of work.

I drag through my days as a person since I quit the teenage years. I live through everyday reluctantly. I refuse to plan ahead for five years. I refuse to weigh out the pros and cons of one situation or one decision. Some sick rebellion of sorts maybe. Since I turned 20, I have been telling myself to let go of controlling my life. I have allowed the winds to blow me to whichever direction they desire. I owe my younger days a carefree life when I swap it for a future that will eventually come. Caged in a house with no authority, I wanted to break free for a singular life. I craved for my driving licence for a phony getaway. I conducted acts only a citizen over the age of 18 is legal to to convince myself I am an adult, finally. I lied to myself I can take care of myself when I have strings attached to my parents financially. I wasted almost five years of my life being who I will be for the rest of my life.

I tired myself way ahead of schedule and now, I just want to be young again. Live days when worries are nothing but a mystery and best days roll by every waking moment next to your friends out in the street. I want to be flexible again instead of shackling myself with grown up responsibilities. Why did I ever think it is cool to be an adult? I remembered I was so happy when I turned 18. I barely remember why.

It is a deceit of a greener grass on the other side. You will learn that they are of the same colour because they water the same rain and bask the same sun.

Do not get me wrong. It is not as if I will lapse into childishness in days to come. No. How can I ever go back now? A tiger will never change its stripes. I will still find myself planning for things, staring at my planner when I am free and making up lists. This is what makes me happy with something to do. I still find serenity knowing I have something to wait for, hope for. Years before have shaped and molded me into the maturity I believe I am wearing today. I will neevr go back to undo the best lessons I have learned and the wise people I have met. I see things clearer now. Which is why I am thinking things I am thinking now. Missing a forsaken childhood of sitting next to an old stereo on Saturday afternoons listening to timeless 90s rock. Wishing for a wilder adolescence that will only be an imagination from here on. Who was I yesterday has made me the person I am today. There may be regrets on how I lived my life in the past but it is altogether a combination of today.

I have friends like me, driving ourselves into the adult world intentionally only to realise everything is not fun all the time. Dang. I have friends who flow into adulthood matter-of-factly. This is the most peaceful transition I can think of. It is not jarring. It is not fake. I have also friends pushed into the adulthood ever so surprisingly, ever so hesitantly. Plucked out from the comfort zone and being shoved down mouthfuls of responsibilities too hard to swallow.

Not too long ago, a sudden revelation hit me at the back of my head and left a huge lump that made me cried in a weird kind of relief. I realised that no matter how we plan our lives, or how we do not; no matter how many steps have made us fall, or how many tries have made us succeed. I realised that we will still be alright. As long as we have a good head on our shoulders and working limbs, and an active mind to keep on dreaming and aspiring, we will be alright. That it is not a complete doom even though life does not turn out the way we have always hoped for. As long as we are happy with who we are, we are still the person before the whole world changes, we will be fine.

Truth is, we all grow up in eventual time in different ways. If I tell you today do not try to grow up too fast, you will not listen to me if your heart still desires for an escape. No matter how many testimonials I have put forth for you, no matter how passionately I speak of my experiences, no words are ever strong enough to murder the infatuation you have for another world. Until you have been there and back, done that. However it is, it will come. This transition. This moment in time when it dawns on you that you have crossed over. Will you feel relieved. Will you feel sorry. You are the master of your fate, captain of your soul. You have only yourself to thank, to blame.